Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
