i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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