I wanna bring you to show and tell
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
