; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
