I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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