my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
