I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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