I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
