I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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