I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
