Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
