Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
