I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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