Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
