he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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