I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
