I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
