Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
