remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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