You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
