Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
