I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
