So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
