Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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