i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
