i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
