i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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