fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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