I accidentally had phone sex last night
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
