i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I cut my penus on the lid.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
