funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
