we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
