we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
