I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
