I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
