I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
