Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
