Swine flu. Run for my life!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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