Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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