omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
