Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
