Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
