i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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