My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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