I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
