Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
