the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
