OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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