I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
