quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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